Dear canisprime,

Thanks for being the sole reader of my journal. I really am surprised when I come back here and I see that someone's read one of my posts and commented. It's been so long since I started this journal and you've been here pretty much since the beginning. (So shocking! For me, that is, not you :P) The thing is, it's been so long that I don't even remember how we met. I understand that you're also a New Zealander and older and perhaps wiser than myself.

It's at times like these when I look back at some of those really stupid entries. Most of them about my really colourful love life. It's like watching myself grow all over again. At the ime of starting this journal, I remember putting so much emphasis in making my words sound beautiful. I, for some forsaken reason believed that stringing them together as a symphony would credit me somewhat. ...I couldn't have been more mistaken. I was mystified by my own hubris, if I could say that.

In the past, I was certainly more emotional and depressive, but let's face it, that's what being a teenager is all about. But... it's been almost six years. I open my eyes now and have actively chosen to look at life differently. I used to be so angry and sad about life. I suppose you, yourself would know that I was lonely too. However, after being exposed to many types of people and reading things of all sorts of nature, I come to realise that within me, the only sentience in control of my life is just that - me.

You could say I was tired of some things in my life. It's more or less that I am tired of the things that I cannot control. Tired of those factors trying to control me. But it doesn't end, so effectually, your tolerance must rise. Taking responsibility, taking action, making efforts, creating goals, superimposing vision - they're all the result of self-awareness, independence, determination and personal fortitude.

I am a strong person, but I am only strong emotionally. I can handle a lot of psychologically stressful situations because for most people while it's hard to stop and reflect on possible reactions to a situation, I'm already there doing it.

The names of the people in this journal are real. It's still my responsibility to accept that they are starring roles in my life, just as you are. Although, you are just a username, there is a life and a story behind it. To be blind, effacing, ignorant to it would just be insolence.

It's because we see virtual people as real people behind screens. Some people can't "feel" the reality behind screen names because they don't have a physical connection to reinforce it. Some people take more convincing than others. Some are naturally mistrusting, some really find no stimulation through text. Whatever their reason, it is still logical.

Still, the reason behind the virtual vs. physical relationship still begs to be questioned. Mine in particular is not a pretty story. It will most likely not have a happy ending either. ...The fact that I see his face almost every day doesn't make a difference. It's still a screen. ...I can't stop his life from being changed before me. I can't stop the will that expects different of him. Until then, I must accept that I may have to let go.

Seems like I forgot about having to write posts every month. I don't really know what's come over me, really. I suppose for the most part it's lethargy.

I had to move out of the flat late March, since Josh and I broke up. It's so hard to know what to think about it now. It all sort of really surfaced because of the situation surrounding Aman and what he did and how I reacted to it. I guess I forgot to mention it. Obviously, I was dating someone else at the time all this drama happened.

It's so wasteful now that I think of it. I chased a person who didn't want to be found and then proverbially smacked him over the head till I was satisfied. What is that? Why did I even do it? One part of me is so angry for having forgiven Aman for saying something so selfish. Another part of me is really stupid for desiring to find him. One part of me seems relieved for some unknown reason.

Aman and I talk on a regular basis now. Josh and I not so. It makes sense why I get scorn for my behaviour because it's really quite childish. I shouldn't bother making excuses for why I do and think things. The whole situation and the fact that I literally broke an actual physical relationship for a virtual one defies natural logic. There was no allure to the digital being; he snapped my trust and support in two. ...So why have things come to this? I don't know. I believe I have no answer. I want to stop questioning it, but, here, the logic is so intrinsically flawed. Normally, such a devious act of betrayal and cowardice would make me enraged and never wish to speak to the person again...

So... why did I search?

Doesn't make any sense, does it?

There are some things in this world that simply cannot be defined by logic. Unfortunately, I've always been a believer of the nebulous so-called fate. Things that don't make rational sense become a lot less threatening when I believe that there is a unknown factor that is immeasurably accountable for it.

...

Ever since coming back into contact with him, all these crazy and irrational things are happening with him as the source. I don't think I've even stopped once to consider getting out of it.

I must subconsciously desire this kind of drama. ...At a personal level, that makes me irrevocably sick. What ever it is, I don't think I'll go backwards anymore. It would just be insulting to have left a physical relationship for a digital one and continue to be facetious in nature. I have to be serious about it now. If I've gone to the trouble of getting here, then there is nothing to be done but remain steadfast in my choice. I made it at the time because I believed it meant something.

So it's time to give it meaning.

Well, it wont be so hard at least remembering to post once a month. Sometimes I just forget.

I had a lot to say tonight, but that was ...probably three hours ago when I started Xjournal. :P Unfortunately, I have no idea what I was going to write for this...

OH WAIT! I do remember. Hahah, see it always pays to write the subject of a post first before posting it. It always works as a memory cue. That's right :)

I'm writing a post at the moment for a cold-blooded killer, so I'm not 100% myself at the moment. I have to dig into my most sub-conscious mind and develop the most gruesome content I have ever written, it's strangely satisfying.

Anyway, it's about three hours after I finished posting that and I realised: I don't really care about what I was going to say anymore :P

God. I feel like shit.
I have an essay to do. I think I've said that maybe ten times to several different people and it's seriously still only half finished. It's already a day past due date.

Eh. I'm going to see the lecturer tomorrow and hand it to him, whenever I can be stuffed finishing it. I mean... I'm going to try now, but, I have no idea how that's going to go.

So, I'm aware of where Aman is now and what he's doing. I suppose it was a bad thing to sign up at the same board, but honestly, I really like it there. I'm not concerned about his progress as much as I am concerned about just getting absorbed into the community.

The people are really quirky and it's something I've been looking for, I think. Some smart people, a few really stupid ones, but overall, there's just no attitude stigma. I've never seen so many people express themselves so strongly and to have those people read seriously.

It's refreshing. Feels like freedom.

Also, my boss has spinal cancer. It's malignant. It just annoys me that good people like that who work so hard get hit with crap like that. It's just totally unjust.

I think it was only about four days after that post when I moved a couple of my things into the flat that my friends were renting. It was (and is) a pretty shocking place. I should say that after my stuff was there, we were robbed. So... a lot of my games disappeared from existence. We lost a couple of game consoles and laptops, etc. Not much else though, we were theoretically quite lucky.

About a month after that, I found somebody listing some of my titles up on the local auction website. Luckily, we finally got a hold of the cops and we got most of them back. Even taking the traces backwards to a pawn shop, that's where the search ended and we got nothing else. The bastards. They even tried to break in the next week after we found the door frame damaged after what looked like someone cramming a crowbar into the gap (which wasn't a gap anymore since we changed locks).

I'm currently living here. So I've moved out. Feels... well I can't tell you how it feels to not live with my family anymore. It's... awesome. I don't really miss them either. I see them at least once a week anyway. Mother's orders of course. It was surprising about how easy it was from leaving home to coming here. As usual, I got the resistance from the mother, but I had to talk to her about it for a while. She didn't speak to me for about a week afterwards and then after that, she was cool with it. I was quite surprised.

Hmm, over June, I met James for the first time. It's ironic considering that about eight posts down from this is all about him three years before. The honest truth now is that I'm very much over him. It was a long time to be struggling with feelings that were ultimately very easy to overcome. I suppose though, that when someone breaks your trust, that's pretty much it. He's moved on and so have I. I don't regret that time though. He's become a much happier person and I hope to see him again, he's a lot of fun. He's happy, and that's basically all I wished for him. Despite his faults, he is a good person and is still willing to help out if I need it. ...Wont forget that he smacked my head into the glass windows of the SkyTower though, he's asking for it next time he crosses my path.

It's interesting what you remember and what you don't. What you blog about and what you don't. At this point I can see this post being incredibly long for the fact that I have a lot to supposedly catch up on. I realise that no one's reading this anymore since it's been so long. I think I'll come back to this in about ten years. I dunno.

I don't know if I mentioned him or not. I met Aman perhaps late October of 2005. It's weird thinking that far back. At the time, he wasn't anyone special. He was just another international friend. At least, that's how I felt. I barely remember him confessing to me maybe about two weeks later after we'd been talking. I don't even remember what I said. I do remember leaving PvN after that. I didn't come back for about a year and by then, the site had dropped in its productivity and action and there was nothing left. Even he was gone.

I don't remember being on the internet much after that time. I was focussed on Josh and uni. My scores were still rather bad. I talked to Meg on MSN around September of last year I think... and she showed me CTG. At the time it was a forum of refugees from PvN, a lot of the names I knew, a few I didn't. Surprisingly, Aman was too. He never seemed the dedicated roleplaying type. He'd gotten a lot better too from the looks of things.

When I think about it now, it was stupid of me to attempt to revisit base with him. He lamented about me being gone for so long. He had a girlfriend by then, I made a mistake and I told him I had feelings for him and then, it just went downhill.

I made a mistake by saying something I shouldn't have. I said it and it just got so badly out of control that Josh was getting suspicious. In the end, my conscience won over me and I admitted it. It completely ruined it until I thought I could get away with it again and the cycle happened all over. Except this time, he ended it. It's too hard to explain about all the things that happened in between, but now he's gone.

He didn't say the word "dead" but he did use the phrase "R.I.P" and "last moments." Announced it publicly on the boards. Everyone freaked out. I was angry. I knew he was lying. He later went on to tell me that he didn't lie and that his internet persona (or at least his old one) is dead. Why be so God damned dramatic about it?

I suppose I am sad because I still love him, or at least the person I knew. He's not that person anymore, strangely. He is still watching me on that forum though. So annoying. I figure that the next time you want to quit the internet "because your fiancee said so" or alternatively "forced to" (not actually admitting that you were afraid of being cornered) I wouldn't bother telling anyone about death. There was just something so pitiful about the ordeal that made me feel sick about myself for days. I was so disappointed. I think he was angry at me because of a couple of things he mentioned in that email. Of all the people he thought I would understand... I do. The thing is that I understand it VERY well. I just don't agree with it. How is doing that okay? We were shocked and subsequently offended by someone everyone loved. ...Everyone was so hurt. I couldn't believe my eyes as to how deeply they were affected... "He has officially betrayed us", "I... I really loved him, everyone did!", "He's not really dead, is he?", "Mel, it's not true is it?", "He's a fucking retard!", "It's all a lie, it has to be", "I looked up to him", "He was always so happy whenever I talked to him", "He's done good things for me", "I admired him."

It all hurt so much watching everyone deal with this. They said nothing publicly, but they all talked to me afterwards. I think they knew how bad it was for me because everyone was talking to me left, right and centre, making sure I was okay. At that very moment, while I was willing to forgive what he did, I realise how wrong it was. These people, while they can't be seen, they're still real.

A couple of days ago, I was struggling with the fact that I'll probably be stuffing up at uni this semester and that I think I should take a break. He emails me the next day and accuses me of breaking down and tells me to "get a hold of myself" and that "he believes in me." He seriously had to be joking. I think in the end he was offended at the fact that I posted that worthless email on the board and told him public to basically "fuck off out of my life." I don't really know if I meant it or not, I just felt uncomfortable with the idea of someone "watching out for me" and only getting into contact me when it's convenient for them. It's cruel. If I wanted another stalker, I would have asked for it, surely.

There's still a lot I don't understand about this situation. However, if I stood back and waited for all the answers, I'd be standing alone until my life ended. There's nothing left to look for.

In saying that, we started a visual novel project together. I've been very slowly piecing the ideas into my head and they're so close together now that I can start writing for it. He was my artist, so... sadly, the project might not be so visual anymore. I don't really know who else can draw, well not in the style that I'm after.

So, it's all touch and go.

I'm leaving uni for next year so I'll take my time to focus on it. Maybe find a new job. Find new everything. I don't know.