It's only just been lately that I've done a lot of thinking about my own heart. It's been somewhat of a tough journey. In fact, it seems like I've done a lot of hurting inside of myself. It didn't seem so at the time. I think it's only taken the short three and a half weeks to understand what the freedom of choice and my heart really felt like. It seems cruel to be saying this all so soon, but I shan't regret it.

I feel like a hummingbird: a creature of ultimate grace and fine form. It is diminutive, and upon looking at it, is it delicate, but enduring. I've discovered a love much like this. Like the movements of a hummingbird in flight, it's wing beat is excessive and naked to discernment by the human eye, but it appears effortless and supportive. Because you cannot see it, I find this almost synonymous to the fact that these feelings have taken me completely by surprise.

I truly never expected to find my heart blown wide open again. I had imagined that my heart would shut so tightly that I would refuse entry to anyone in my future. ...but I realise now that I would have been doing myself a great disservice by doing so. I am being constantly surprised by this great and warm heart. He is a big personality, but not too big. He is a gentle heart, but he is strong in ways I am sure he does not realise. He is fighter, but not one to defend himself but those who cannot fight for themselves. He is affectionate, but not excessive (though, he may think so).

Unbelievably, he makes my faults not seem all that bad. He makes me strong, without influencing me, rather making me find that strength within myself. He pushes me to use my own ability, capabilities, talents and intellect to make choices and in expressing my feelings.

All my life, I've been a self-sufficient girl, always being the rescuer in my previous relationships where I've always been the one to be relied on to fix all the emotional problems in the relationship. It got to the point where I became tired. As much as I hated the idea. I wanted to be the one to be rescued. I wanted to be told that it was not okay to be merely just "strong" all the time. ...I wanted to be told that being self-sufficient was wrong... that it was the wrong way to hold a relationship up. For once I wanted to be a princess. I wanted to be looked after. Not taken advantage of. Not to be told to wait a bit longer. Not to be told to tolerate and endure an unreasonable hardship...

I assumed that I would have been so scared to see where this would go, but I find myself continuing to grow more and more curious and finding myself diving deeper into an unknown that feels very far from unpleasant.

This person wants to give me the world. I am not taken in by the gifts he gives me, but the freedom he gives to me in order speak without risk of offense. He offers me the kindness of his utmost honesty. He gives to me his feelings without restraint. As much as I felt that I was in the wrong place at the wrong time and merely giving my heart to avoid loneliness... I found something so vast. I have stumbled upon something so great.

I truly love this person, fully. I want to give him the world. I have shocked myself with the lengths that I have gone to in order to give this person the world I know. I want to show him my world, if I cannot at least give him everything. ...I have never made actions so big with anyone as I have with this person. ...and I see no sign of this stopping at this stage.

I don't want to stop. I don't want him to stop choosing me. He's the first person to ever tell me to stop being so strong; to stop being independent. He tells me to take his shoulder at every opportunity. He tells me to make the call to allow him to put everything down and focus on me...and I cried. It feels liberating.

This is something I find SO precious. It is something that is so rare. He treats everyone he cares about with such gentle, nurturing hands. I do not want to risk jeopardising this. I think he has no idea how much his actions touch my heart. I do not want him to go away. As much as I have hated the idea of relying on someone else, he presents to me no choice.

I happily comply.

So I had a fight with someone I cared about a couple of days ago. I suppose it's been lightly on my mind, but mostly, I've become somewhat resentful. You could have misinterpreted it for me feeling bad or guilty, but the reality is that I don't feel any of that. In fact, I feel angry. Angry that there are words being thrown into the mix subliminally in order for them to catch my eye. That my mind is attempting to be teased by these falsehoods and cowardice.

When speaking, it is simpler to speak directly instead of in circles. It is better to say directly rather than to imply. It is better to not imply so not to misdirect your meaning.

So no. I am not regretful for what I said to this person, because it was a hard truth that I did not want to admit having felt until it was absolutely necessary. Because it isn't okay to be left alone and just accept that things "are the way they are." We all have the upper hand in life. I was losing control and am now regaining it.

But how dare they wish me happiness then attempt to step on and sully it with their insecurity? How dare they throw these words at me in attempts to sway my feelings! They play me; for they did not wish to fight hard enough to keep me sated, yet they do not let me move on. They lie to me with their diluted false wishes! I hate dishonesty and fallacious goodwill most of all.

Understand that pulling and twisting me is not the way. I will grow to hate you.

I've been thinking over the last couple of days. I'm starting to do things I figured I wouldn't have done previously. It feels like a flower opening, for a lack of better analogy. I would have thought that there was a better to explain it, but as soon as I hit the first keystroke of the post, it felt like I'd lost it.

I feel like I'm being touched by some sort of angel. It doesn't feel like the fierceness of being swept away by torrential flood waters. It's like a series of events and wills being brought to my attention one after another.

It's odd. I can't say I've ever gone out of my way to see someone, let alone initiate something. It's... as if I'm constantly thinking about them, but I'm not. It doesn't feel like the harsh reception of obsession or even infatuation. It feels sombre, even.

I think I've been constantly tested and tried for the last few months. I think, somewhat, that I had failed many a trial along that way, but this current one seems to be much more forgiving, albeit more subtle, less confrontational and demanding.

Until now, I'd kept asking myself, "Why does it have to be this hard?" ...and it didn't need to be. I don't need to be anything but who I am. I don't need to put on any sort of false pretense, put up any kind of social barrier. I am completely engaged and satisfied in my own skin. It's so refreshing in a way. To feel like you were caged and instantly freed the moment the angel touches you.

I think I've been rescued.

The swamp of midnight hours starts at work today. I don't know how I feel about that, really. Usually I'd be alright with doing it, but this year, I sort of regret agreeing to it. In the end, I suppose it's all about the money, but this year, I want to spend my time doing something else. I'll be wasting away in that grey cubicle. Even now... Like clockwork, I woke up before eight o' clock just to get to work for my usual shift. I don't start till ten. Again, I didn't have an excuse not to write a post.

So there... I wrote about something I've tried to avoid in the last week and I wrote about work. It seems extraordinarily mediocre. I know it's not going to feel that way for the people who read this. Someone's going to be happy and someone's going to be hurt. ...I can't forget about myself in this respect: I've been freed from a prison of doubt and insecurity. I do not have to question any longer about possessing the freedom for my life. I do not have to sit idly by. I do not have to wait for merely a maybe. ...As callous as it all seemed, I cannot deceive myself.

I must have fallen asleep early yesterday, I had been meaning to write a post and I forgot about it. Yesterday was a good day, but extremely tiring. Travelling across Auckland is exhuasting. I suppose not for the manual activity of travel, but because it required such a large amount of time. Say, a large percentage of my day.

It was better than expected and I enjoyed myself. It made me appreciate more about certain things I hadn't thought about before. Perhaps making the world a bit more colourful. Small things look bigger and things in grey have brighter, more vibrant colours than before.

Sadly, my money situation is still bad. I'm slowly paying off the credit card, but when it does, it's getting cut up now since I actually have no use for it anymore. The only excuse I had to use it was when I needed to buy things online. That Visa Debit card is really the best thing ever. No more debt. Hooyah!

I wrote in the first page of my Kimmidoll journal yesterday. Because I didn't write a post yesterday, I'll write what I did in the journal yesterday and backdate it. So it should appear before this post.

A rainbow of reminiscent colour breaching an arc through the dull sepia of sunrise. Its end tethered and faded across a rose tinted backdrop. Threads of gold stretch from the horizon as the light of new day etches its impression across the waking world. Sun-kissed tops of the trees reach forth to extend their branches to beams of nourishment, its colour becomes fleeting as the speeding canvas passing by my eyes whizzes momentarily on my consciousness.

Pastel greens, oranges, yellows, blues and greys puddle the earth with layers, deep with vibrancy of colour. As the hand reaches four on the scale, the richness of the land searches for its natural light.

It's my day off today. I had been thinking to write about the non-smoking mentality idea I came up with yesterday, but I think at the moment, I'm neither in the mind nor mood to write about it. I think this time of year is so bad for many people because it's completely stressful. Things appear to mount up more than expected because of the fact that money is so tight for everyone... or at least we're expected to spend it when we are not necessarily obliged to.

I don't like Christmas. I see nothing cheery about this "spirit." People give and surely, I feel good about receiving and giving, but it's more what comes about as a result of that giving. it's not giving so much. It seems like an almost inherently selfish human bid to acceptance. Christmas cheer is the veil underneath all the prejudice, selfishness, greed and discrimination that society unleashes at the peak of pressure at this time. It also represents loneliness and greatest need to be wanted or have that time to share with someone else.

Actually, am I lonely? I got asked that a few days ago. I don't think I am honestly. I get angry when I'm with someone and they're not there. Especially when I'm expecting them to be. I'm not really sure why some single people feel wistful or melancholy when they see couples. I know I personally don't feel that way because I'm able to separate my relationships with people and allow others to have theres.

Maybe it's got a lot to do with how we all deal with trust and things like jealousy. There's just a multitude of ways to deal with negative feelings, but how we experience them and what they feel like are all pretty similar. It's strange how influences on our lives really can make a difference in how we are all different.

But at Christmas time, it's like people forget their manners and just want to get things over and done with. People always become different sides of themselves. It reminds me of an obdience study where normal people are put under stress an into really strong positions where their morals were often overrien by their sense of duty, purpose or requirement.

Obdience isn't a trait of good manner. It's a trait that's taken advantage of to use as a tool to control. Reminds me of the heart of parenting or lack thereof.

There are just things that defy logic. At the time of deciding to write this, I had previously thought of something far wittier and eloquent. However, sleep has escaped me again. I guess that's one thing I despise about living with my parents... I can't just have time to myself. They'll all just rudely barge in without knocking. In some ways I could understand that it's their right. At another angle it's really unacceptable considering I've reached the age where curfews are just unreasonable (but I will tell you I still have one.)

I had been doing a lot of thinking lately. Of course, my thoughts are not well structured or ordered at the moment. In fact, I don't think I could really make one out. I wrote a comment on someone's LJ and now I just feel so withered. The energy's left my body.

I keep thinking in music these days. When I was a bit younger all these words would come out in really well formed poetry. Now it's coming out as music compositions. I feel almost cursed that my music ability is merely above average and not prodigal. I'm hearing all the sounds in my head, my notation skills are fine, but my note recognition is bad and defining tempo and key is not my strong point.

I'm hearing the words with this ever flowing music.

Make, make, make - make or break me...
Feel this heart, don't forsake me.
Realise the pain it will take me.
Just to find the reason...
A reason just to be...

Ye-ah... Can you feel the ripple spreading from my heart?
Oh, cannot form the words clearly in my head.
The beating; the sound it only drives me to the start.
Because I believed it all; all the lies you said!


Yeah, I hear it all. I can hear each and every instrument playing it's own part and I can separate them. I'm not really sure what to do with this kind of thing flowing in and out of my consciousness. I don't think there's a program that can create sheet music via vocal input anyway.

Just lately, all the things I've been thinking about always become some sort of song. Or like this thrum-thrum dull wave bounding guitar string. I don't even know if I have to do anything with it, but it's like I'm suddenly bursting with these songs. Ever since I started writing lyrics for Irvana, it's like I keep hearing all these tunes in my head. I keep losing them all and it's such a horrible feeling.

It's like losing creative edge. It's like having the perfect muse to create the best piece of writing I've ever thought of and at the moment my pencil presses onto the page, it's gone. It's heartbreaking. Because now my feelings aren't being adequately explained using words either through conversation, poetry or writing, it's coming out in tune. Majors and minors varying in timing and musical composition, even mixed genre.

I think what's happening here is that I must need a break. Things are sort of mixed up and I'm unable to make sense of it all, but that music is playing the background music to my life. Forever changing; forever playing.

P.S. I hate summer. It makes me approximately four hundred times more lethargic than any other time of the year.

So bored, I changed it with the hair straightener. Just because it makes straight doesn't mean it makes straight.

Oh man. I wrote a crappy post yesterday. HAHA, and I even wrote an incomprehensible text to someone yesterday and they asked me about it. They asked me where I went at quarter past nine last night and I sent a message back saying I'd went to work. Seriously... What the hell? I was in bed and as far as I know, I was sleeping. God, I feel like such a retard - texting when half asleep. The last time I did that, the text made so little sense when I read it the next day it was just embarrassing.

But all you can do the next day is just laugh about it. Trust me, I'm just laughing at myself about it. I think I have to otherwise I'd mourn the loss of that credit. :P It's kinda funny I guess.

Yeah, so anyway. I feel a lot better. I've also woken up before 7am, that hasn't happened for a very long time. So when I opened my eyes this morning, it was like taking off a sticker off an old book and finding that there is a recovered newness underneath. That's sort of what's happened only that it's happened all over my body. I feel much better. I was obviously sleepy.

So one more day of work today. Then on Monday I will finally give my Wii a real workout. What I find so fun about it is that when you make Mii's you can really make them look like real people. It's really hilarious how we made one of my ex-boyfriend and everytime his Mii would show up in game and we had guests in the house, they'd be like, "Holy shit! That REALLY looks like Josh." and it really did. Some people are hard though... Like Camille. She has such a pretty face, it's hard. I made one for my dad as well and it sorta looks like him, but I'll have to tweak it with a family photo. My brother will be a challenge though because he looks like such a dork in all his photos.

So it's still before eight. I need to get up and have a shower since I slept so early. It's a good thing I slept so early. There'll be no mercy at work today. Customers are SO evil. They don't care if you're serving someone else, they want YOUR attention and they want it NOW. They're all so, SO evil. It's like Christmas brings out the devil in all of them. So much for celebrating the Lord, eh? For them it's like an excuse to demonise society. I hate how rude some of them can be just because they have to wait to purchase their goods. It's not exactly our fault that they had the same idea as everyone else and started buying Christmas presents now.

I still hate Christmas. I don't think I've ever liked it.

Oh right. Shower. Yeah. I'll do my hair up today too. Give me something new to do. Hope it doesn't come out freaky and like. I like the fact that it's really quick and doesn't take a lot of time. The hairdryer that came with the hair straightener is pure gold. It's fantastic.

So yeah, I haven't had time to post because I've been working so heavily. I'm on the verge of falling asleep. I keep seeing strange dreams. I only know that they're strange. I don't ever remember what they're about nowadays.

I feel... inflexible. Generally irritable. Probably disgruntled. I'm not really sure. I know it's just tiredness. I had a few things to post about, like crap customers, the achievement of dreams, consequences etc. Lots of things... but at the moment all I want to think about is lying down.

I think the words have stopped coming out now. I'm just stressed. I want it all to be over. I hate this time of year. I hate working this time of year. I hate the customers this time of year. I hate the weather this time of year.

I just want to enjoy my life right now. But I need money. I hate the fact that my job pays so damn badly.